Sunday, May 29, 2011

So far...

We really have come. So. So. Far. I forget this. Often. I don't take the time to really look back in my mind's eye. Seven years is such a long time. One thing that I used to really hate about the whole thing was that every single year was completely different. I could not predict anything. I had no control over anything. And oh, how I love having control over...well...pretty much everything. Sigh. So, guess what my favorite thing about this whole thing is? Well, it's the fact that...every single year is completely different. I don't know how to do this without His help...every. single. moment. The beautiful part is that it never runs out. His grace is there for the taking...every. single. moment. I am learning to take it. What a gift!


I don't know why I waste so much precious, valuable time worrying that I am screwing their futures up. (Well, actually, I do know why, but that's an entirely different post.) One day they will be gone. Grown and living a life entirely separate from my own. I won't be wiping noses and bottoms all day long. I won't be sounding out words for spelling tests or drilling multiplication facts over macaroni and cheese. I won't have to go back over the correct way to fold a towel or load a dishwasher for the hundredth time in one day.  And I will miss these harried, half-finished, unorganizable moments. I will miss them. I will long to be interrupted...by a football breaking yet another precious Willow Tree figurine when I'm trying to catch a nap...or a rendition of "Oklahoma!" being sung loudly while I'm attempting to answer emails. My house will be spotless. And I will not really care. But I will know that I did the one thing I never questioned even once whether or not God had told me to do. "Go and make disciples..." 


I think this is my new favorite quote. It has helped me stay grounded when, at the end of the year, (and I do this at the end of every single year) the Enemy comes in with his onslaught of arrows aimed right at my mind. It's the heart of what I do and why I do it. I can't afford to forget...

"Because what will the math really matter if they are bitter? If the house is immaculate, but my attitude a mess?  If they can count- but they don't know how to count all things as joy? If we get the lists done, but have lost happiness in Him? How can any grammar skill outweigh the fact that they don't know the language of grace and thanks? What good will it be if they can recite all the major British battles- but they don't know how to see beauty? What am I teaching our children if I'm not living simply, quietly, this: 'Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." (Phil 4:8) Focusing on what is beautiful, good, true,- isn't this the highest education? ~Ann Voskamp (Who else?)



 




 
 






Monday, February 7, 2011

little moments

Today is not a normal day. Mommy and baby are sick. But life goes on and so must learning. So I thought I would try and capture a few moments in our day to look back on later. Because I forget. I forget that learning is not predictable and compartmentable (Yes, I just made that word up.) Props go to my girls Millicent and JoAnn for inspiring me today...and everyday. :)



Monday, January 24, 2011

Death of a Mommy

I realize that God is out to kill me.  He has chosen homeschooling my children as the means in which to accomplish this. ("If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for Me, you will find it." Mat.10:39) I had no clue it would be this difficult. Or exhilarating. No one tells you all those dark places in your heart that you've been able to hide so well, will soon be exposed and laid bare for all to see. Especially the people you are specifically trying to hide them from. It's taken God SEVEN YEARS to change my temperament into something that remotely resembles a "gentle and quiet spirit." THAT is an absolute miracle. (I would have guessed it would have taken Him at least ten times that long!) It has taken me SEVEN YEARS to learn to follow His lead in this dance we do every day.  I am the absolute worst dance partner He has ever had. I trample all over His feet and though He's hearing a lullaby, I am convinced there is an 80's rock band being broadcast through our home's sound system. Change is in the air though.  I can hear the static as I turn the dial in search of His favorite station. I've even found it a few mornings. In a row. Now that's progress. Still, just yesterday I felt things falling apart. Someone was coloring on the walls. Someone was arguing. Someone was hormonal. Someone was confused and having a meltdown. I just sat down in the middle of it and said, "God, I can't do this. You've got the wrong gal." It wasn't a pouty, frustrated, or even sad tone I carried. Just matter of fact. Then, something really cool happened. I heard and felt Him. As close as it gets. He lifted my chin, looked into my eyes, and took my hands in His. He said, "Yes, you can." That's all He "said", but when He said that, all these verses I'd memorized over the years came flooding into my mind.  "But He said to me, My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9 AMP) and "Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light." (Mat. 11:28-30) and "The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." (Ps. 37:23)...It was pretty amazing.

My token hour long quiet time every morning just ain't cuttin' it anymore. (Did it ever, really?)  Lately, I have just found myself crying out to Him in the midst of the "whirlwind", "HELP!!!" That's all. Just. HELP. But when I do that, I am somehow "fixing" my thoughts on Him. And then, just like He said it would, (Is. 26:3) the peace comes. Not in the circumstances around me. But in me. I have tried to read the Practice of the Presence of God a thousand times. I just couldn't get it. No matter how hard I tried. I decided that 2011 might just be the year for me and Bro. Lawrence to become friends. The morning after God and I held hands, I read this:  "...That we might accustom ourselves to a continual conversation with Him, with freedom and in simplicity. That we need only to recognize God intimately present with us, to address ourselves to Him at every moment, that we may beg His assistance for knowing His will in things doubtful, and for rightly performing those which we plainly see He requires of us, (Here he is speaking of changing dirty diapers, no doubt.) offering them to Him before we do them, and giving Him thanks when we have done."  Yeah...so...I'm just gonna go ahead and admit here that I have probably always thought that was just taking it a tad too seriously.  I mean really? "At every moment"??? Well, so obviously, I wasn't as desperate as I am now. Because if the definition of a "moment" is a millisecond, then yeah. That's how often I need Him. One thing's for sure. It's shockingly fun down here. In the lowest place. The more I die to self, the more alive I feel. How crazy is that? And once again, I see the paradoxical God we serve. Once again, He has captured my heart with His mysterious ways. And I have always felt drawn to a good mystery...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Why I LOVE Tim Keller

This is the preface to A.W.Tozer's "The Pursuit of God". I could never have said this as eloquently as he does, but as I read it, my heart almost jumped out of my chest! Brandon and I have had this conversation a thousand times. Thanks to Dawn, we are being fed by Tim Keller thru podcasts and long runs. It's pretty frustrating that there are so few men like he and Tozer out there...

In this hour of all-but-universal darkness one cheering gleam appears: within the fold of conservative Christianity there are to be found increasing numbers of persons whose religious lives are marked by a growing hunger after God Himself. They are eager for spiritual realities and will not be put off with words, nor will they be content with correct "interpretations" of truth. They are athirst for God, and they will not be satisfied till they have drunk deep at the Fountain of Living Water.

This is the only real harbinger of revival which I have been able to detect anywhere on the religious horizon. It may be the cloud the size of a man's hand for which a few saints here and there have been looking. It can result in a resurrection of life for many souls and a recapture of that radiant wonder which should accompany faith in Christ, that wonder which has all but fled the Church of God in our day.

But this hunger must be recognized by our religious leaders. Current evangelicalism has (to change the figure) laid the altar and divided the sacrifice into parts, but now seems satisfied to count the stones and rearrange the pieces with never a care that there is not a sign of fire upon the top of lofty Carmel. But God be thanked that there are a few who care. They are those who, while they love the altar and delight in the sacrifice, are yet unable to reconcile themselves to the continued absence of fire. They desire God above all. They are athirst to taste for themselves the "piercing sweetness" of the love of Christ about Whom all the holy prophets did write and the psalmists did sing.

There is today no lack of Bible teachers to set forth correctly the principles of the doctrines of Christ, but too many of these seem satisfied to teach the fundamentals of the faith year after year, strangely unaware that there is in their ministry no manifest Presence, nor anything unusual in their personal lives. They minister constantly to believers whofeel within their breasts a longing which their teaching simply does not satisfy.

I trust I speak in charity, but the lack in our pulpits is real. Milton's terrible sentence applies to our day as accurately as it did to his: "The hungry sheep look up, and are not fed." It is a solemn thing, and no small scandal in the Kingdom, to see God's children starving while actually seated at the Father's table. The truth of Wesley's words is established before our eyes: "Orthodoxy, or right opinion, is, at best, a very slender part of religion. Though right tempers cannot subsist without right opinions, yet right opinions may subsist without right tempers. There may be a right opinion of God without either love or one right temper toward Him. Satan is a proof of this."

Thanks to our splendid Bible societies and to other effective agencies for the dissemination of the Word, there are today many millions of people who hold "right opinions," probably more than ever before in the history of the Church. Yet I wonder if there was ever a time when true spiritual worship was at a lower ebb. To great sections of the Church the art of worship has been lost entirely, and in its place has come that strange and foreign thing called the "program." This word has been borrowed from the stage and applied with sad wisdom to the type of public service which now passes for worship among us.

Sound Bible exposition is an imperative must in the Church of the Living God. Without it no church can be a New Testament church in any strict meaning of that term. But exposition may be carried on in such way as to leave the hearers devoid of any true spiritual nourishment whatever. For it is not mere words that nourish the soul, but God Himself, and unless and until the hearers find God in personal experience they are not the better for having heard the truth. The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimsatisfyingtisfying knowledge of God, that they may enter into Him, that they may delight in His Presence, may taste and know the inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their hearts.

This book is a modest attempt to aid God's hungry children so tofind Him. Nothing here is new except in the sense that it is a discovery which my own heart has made of spiritual realities most delightful and wonderful to me. Others before me have gone much farther into these holy mysteries than I have done, but if my fire is not large it is yet real, and there may be those who can light their candle at its flame.

A. W. Tozer
Chicago, Ill.
June 16, 1948

YOUR thoughts???

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Keep A Quiet Heart

"I think I find most help in trying to look on all the interruptions and hindrances to work that one has planned out for oneself as discipline, trials sent by God to help one against getting selfish over one's work. Then one can feel that perhaps one's true work--one's work for God--consists in doing some trifling haphazard thing that has been thrown into one's day. It is not a waste of time, as one is tempted to think, it is the most important part of the work of the day--the part one can best offer to God. After such a hindrance , do not rush after the planned work; trust that the time to finish it will be given sometime, and keep a quiet heart about it." 

~Annie Keary, 1825-1879

From "Keep A Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I'm not satisfied...

With what the world says is "normal".  I think when siblings are constantly at odds, something is very wrong. I've never been okay with it. I know people who live together are going to argue and disagree, but, more often than not, there comes a point in the relationship when, spiritually speaking, something is very, very wrong. And I believe that something can and will affect us for the rest of our lives in every other relationship we enter into.

So. With that being said, something amazing just happened in my house. I mean really amazing. God came down to where we are. Literally. It's moments like these when I wonder how I could ever think He's impersonal and distant. So getting it all down before I forget seems like the wise thing to do. Because I am extremely forgetful these days. 8-/

For several months now, I have had issues with Abby and Caleb (1st and 3rd). It's been one of the biggest struggles to watch them argue and pick each other apart ALL. DAY. LONG.  Lately, I've been losing it with them. Caleb will try to be loving to her and she will reject him every time. It literally rips my heart in two. So, after losing it on Abby tonight, I breathed a desperate prayer, "God, you have got to break in here! I don't know what else to do!" About 30 seconds later I went into Abby's room to find her on her bed crying. Abby is like her daddy. She doesn't cry. So I urged her to tell me what she was feeling...anger?...regret?...frustration?...???  After a few minutes she opened up and through sobs said that a long time ago she had given up on Caleb ever showing her affection. She tried when he was little to "mother" him and hug and kiss him (Gosh, he was cute!). But he was SO independent! He pushed her away and screamed at her every time she tried. So I called Caleb in and had her tell him that. He immediately started crying and grabbed her and said, "Abby! If I was little again and as smart as I am now, I would never do that!" He hugged her and they both cried. The Holy Spirit was so heavy that you could literally feel the atmosphere change. I know that sounds crazy, but I think God just wanted me to realize that I can buy every book under the sun and go to every conference within a hundred mile radius, but unless HE does the work in their hearts, it will all be in vain. (Psalm 127:1)  I was completely shocked at how quickly He came to my rescue! And in the background, I hear Brandon practicing the new song we're singing Sunday...

Open Up the Sky

Our beloved Father please come down and meet us
We are waiting on Your touch
Open up the heavens, shower down Your presence
We respond to Your great love

pre-chorus
We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won't be satisfied at all

chorus
Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don't want blessings, we want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire,
We don't want anything but You

verse 2
Our beloved Jesus we just want to see You
in the glory of Your light
Earthly things don't matter
They just fade and shatter
When we're touched by love divine

chorus
Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don't want blessings, we want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire,
We don't want anything but You

Bridge
Here we go lets go to the throne
The place that we belong Right into His arms

Friday, November 5, 2010

A Bedtime Story

PARABLES FROM NATURE

A LESSON OF FAITH

"If a man die, shall he live again? All the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come."–JOB xiv. 14.
"LET me hire you as a nurse for my poor children," said a Butterfly to a quiet Caterpillar, who was strolling along a cabbage-leaf in her odd lumbering way. "See these little eggs," continued the Butterfly; "I don't know how long it will be before they come to life, and I feel very sick and poorly, and if I should die, who will take care of my baby butterflies when I am gone? Will you, kind, mild, green Caterpillar? But you must mind what you give them to eat, Caterpillar!–they cannot, of course, live on your rough food. You must give them early dew, and honey from the flowers; and you must let them fly about only a little way at first; for, of course, one can't expect them to use their wings properly all at once. Dear me! it is a sad pity you cannot fly yourself. But I have no time to look for another nurse now, so you will do your best, I hope. Dear! dear! I cannot think what made me come and lay my eggs on a cabbage-leaf! What a place for young butterflies to be born upon! Still you will be kind, will you not, to the poor little ones? Here, take this gold-dust from my wings as a reward. Oh, how dizzy I am! Caterpillar! you will remember about the food–"

And with these words the Butterfly closed her eyes and died; and the green Caterpillar who had not had the opportunity of even saying Yes or No to the request, was left standing alone by the side of the Butterfly's eggs.

"A pretty nurse she has chosen, indeed, poor lady!" exclaimed she, "and a pretty business I have in hand! Why, her senses must have left her, or she never would have asked a poor crawling creature like me to bring up her dainty little ones! Much they'll mind me, truly, when they feel the gay wings on their backs, and can fly away out of my sight whenever they choose! Ah! how silly some people are, in spite of their painted clothes and the gold-dust on their wings!"

However, the poor Butterfly was dead, and there lay the eggs on the cabbage-leaf; and the green Caterpillar had a kind heart, so she resolved to do her best. But she got no sleep that night, she was so very anxious. She made her back quite ache with walking all night long round her little charges, for fear any harm should happen to them; and in the morning says she to herself–

"Two heads are better than one. I will consult some wise animal upon the matter, and get advice. How should a poor crawling creature like me know what to do without asking my betters?"

But still there was a difficulty–whom should the Caterpillar consult? There was the shaggy Dog who sometimes came into the garden. But he was so rough!–he would most likely whisk all the eggs off the cabbage-leaf with one brush of his tail, if she called him near to talk to her, and then she should never forgive herself. There was the Tom Cat, to be sure, who would sometimes sit at the foot of the apple-tree, basking himself and warming his fur in the sunshine; but he was so selfish and indifferent!–there was no hope of his giving himself the trouble to think about butterflies' eggs. "I wonder which is the wisest of all the animals I know," sighed the Caterpillar, in great distress; and then she thought, and thought, till at last she thought of the Lark; and she fancied that because he went up so high, and nobody knew where he went to, he must be very clever, and know a great deal; for to go up very high (which she could never do) was the Caterpillar's idea of perfect glory.

Now, in the neighbouring corn-field there lived a Lark, and the Caterpillar sent a message to him, to beg him to come and talk to her; and when he came she told him all her difficulties, and asked him what she was to do, to feed and rear the little creatures so different from herself.

"Perhaps you will be able to inquire and hear something about it next time you go up high," observed the Caterpillar timidly.

The Lark said, "Perhaps he should;" but he did not satisfy her curiosity any further. Soon afterwards, however, he went singing upwards into the bright, blue sky. By degrees his voice died away in the distance, till the green Caterpillar could not hear a sound. It is nothing to say she could not see him; for, poor thing! she never could see far at any time and had a difficulty in looking upwards at all, even when she reared herself up most carefully, which she did now; but it was of no use, so she dropped upon her legs again, and resumed her walk round the Butterfly's eggs, nibbling a bit of the cabbage-leaf now and then as she moved along.

"What a time the Lark has been gone!" she cried, at last. "I wonder where he is just now! I would give all my legs to know! He must have flown up higher than usual this time, I do think! How I should like to know where it is that he goes to, and what he hears in that curious blue sky! He always sings in going up and coming down, but he never lets any secret out. He is very, very close!"

And the green Caterpillar took another turn round the Butterfly's eggs.

At last the Lark's voice began to be heard again. The Caterpillar almost jumped for joy and it was not long before she saw her friend descend with hushed note to the cabbage bed.

"New, news, glorious news, friend Caterpillar!" sang the Lark; "but the worst of it is, you won't believe me!"

"I believe everything I am told," observed the Caterpillar hastily.

"Well, then, first of all, I will tell you what these little creatures are to eat"–and the Lark nodded his beak towards the eggs. "What do you think it is to be? Guess!"

"Dew, and the honey out of flowers, I am afraid," sighed the Caterpillar.

"No such thing, old lady! Something simpler than that. Something that you can get at quite easily."

"I can get at nothing quite easily but cabbage-leaves," murmured the Caterpillar, in distress.

"Excellent! my good friend," cried the Lark exultingly; "you have found it out. You are to feed them with cabbage-leaves."

"Never! " said the Caterpillar indignantly. "It was their dying mother's last request that I should do no such thing."

"Their dying mother knew nothing about the matter," persisted the Lark; "but why do you ask me, and then disbelieve what I say? You have neither faith nor trust."

"Oh, I believe everything I am told," said the Caterpillar.

"Nay, but you do not," replied the Lark; "you won't believe me even about the food, and yet that is but a beginning of what I have to tell you. Why, Caterpillar, what do you think those little eggs will turn out to be?"

"Butterflies, to be sure," said the Caterpillar.

"Caterpillars! " sang the Lark; "and you'll find it out in time;" and the Lark flew away, for he did not want to stay and contest the point with his friend.

"I thought the Lark had been wise and kind," observed the mild green Caterpillar, once more beginning to walk round the eggs, "but I find that he is foolish and saucy instead. Perhaps he went up too high this time. Ah, it's a pity when people who soar so high are silly and rude nevertheless! Dear! I still wonder whom he sees, and what he does up yonder."

"I would tell you, if you would believe me," sang the Lark, descending once more.

"I believe everything I am told," reiterated the Caterpillar, with as grave a face as if it were a fact.

"Then I'll tell you something else," cried the Lark; "for the best of my news remains behind. You will one day be a Butterfly yourself. "

"Wretched bird!" exclaimed the Caterpillar, "you jest with my inferiority–now you are cruel as well as foolish. Go away! I will ask your advice no more."

"I told you you would not believe me," cried the Lark, nettled in his turn.

"I believe everything that I am told," persisted the Caterpillar; "that is"–and she hesitated,–"everything that it is reasonable to believe. But to tell me that butterflies' eggs are caterpillars, and that caterpillars leave off crawling and get wings, and become butterflies!–Lark! you are too wise to believe such nonsense yourself, for you know it is impossible."

"I know no such thing," said the Lark, warmly. "Whether I hover over the corn-fields of earth, or go up into the depths of the sky, I see so many wonderful things, I know no reason why there should not be more. Oh, Caterpillar! it is because you crawl, because you never get beyond your cabbage-leaf, that you call any thing impossible."

"Nonsense!" shouted the Caterpillar. "I know what's possible, and what's not possible, according to my experience and capacity, as well as you do. Look at my long green body and these endless legs, and then talk to me about having wings and a painted feathery coat! Fool!–"

"And fool you! you would-be-wise Caterpillar!" cried the indignant lark. "Fool, to attempt to reason about what you cannot understand! Do you not hear how my song swells with rejoicing as I soar upwards to the mysterious wonder-world above? Oh, Caterpillar! what comes to you from thence, receive, as I do, upon trust."

"That is what you call–"

"Faith," interrupted the Lark.

At that moment she felt something at her side. She looked round–eight or ten little green caterpillars were moving about, and had already made a show of a hole in the cabbage-leaf. They had broken from the Butterfly's eggs!

Shame and amazement filled our green friend's heart, but joy soon followed; for, as the first wonder was possible, the second might be so too. "Teach me your lesson, Lark!" she would say; and the Lark sang to her of the wonders of the earth below, and of the heaven above. And the Caterpillar talked all the rest of her life to her relations of the time when she should be a Butterfly.

But none of them believed her. She nevertheless had learnt the Lark's lesson of faith, and when she was going into her chrysalis grave, she said–"I shall be a Butterfly some day!"

But her relations thought her head was wandering, and they said, "Poor thing!"

And when she was a Butterfly, and was going to die again, she said–

"I have known many wonders–I have faith–I can trust even now for what shall come next!"