I realize that God is out to kill me. He has chosen homeschooling my children as the means in which to accomplish this. ("If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for Me, you will find it." Mat.10:39) I had no clue it would be this difficult. Or exhilarating. No one tells you all those dark places in your heart that you've been able to hide so well, will soon be exposed and laid bare for all to see. Especially the people you are specifically trying to hide them from. It's taken God SEVEN YEARS to change my temperament into something that remotely resembles a "gentle and quiet spirit." THAT is an absolute miracle. (I would have guessed it would have taken Him at least ten times that long!) It has taken me SEVEN YEARS to learn to follow His lead in this dance we do every day. I am the absolute worst dance partner He has ever had. I trample all over His feet and though He's hearing a lullaby, I am convinced there is an 80's rock band being broadcast through our home's sound system. Change is in the air though. I can hear the static as I turn the dial in search of His favorite station. I've even found it a few mornings. In a row. Now that's progress. Still, just yesterday I felt things falling apart. Someone was coloring on the walls. Someone was arguing. Someone was hormonal. Someone was confused and having a meltdown. I just sat down in the middle of it and said, "God, I can't do this. You've got the wrong gal." It wasn't a pouty, frustrated, or even sad tone I carried. Just matter of fact. Then, something really cool happened. I heard and felt Him. As close as it gets. He lifted my chin, looked into my eyes, and took my hands in His. He said, "Yes, you can." That's all He "said", but when He said that, all these verses I'd memorized over the years came flooding into my mind. "But He said to me, My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9 AMP) and "Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light." (Mat. 11:28-30) and "The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." (Ps. 37:23)...It was pretty amazing.
My token hour long quiet time every morning just ain't cuttin' it anymore. (Did it ever, really?) Lately, I have just found myself crying out to Him in the midst of the "whirlwind", "HELP!!!" That's all. Just. HELP. But when I do that, I am somehow "fixing" my thoughts on Him. And then, just like He said it would, (Is. 26:3) the peace comes. Not in the circumstances around me. But in me. I have tried to read the Practice of the Presence of God a thousand times. I just couldn't get it. No matter how hard I tried. I decided that 2011 might just be the year for me and Bro. Lawrence to become friends. The morning after God and I held hands, I read this: "...That we might accustom ourselves to a continual conversation with Him, with freedom and in simplicity. That we need only to recognize God intimately present with us, to address ourselves to Him at every moment, that we may beg His assistance for knowing His will in things doubtful, and for rightly performing those which we plainly see He requires of us, (Here he is speaking of changing dirty diapers, no doubt.) offering them to Him before we do them, and giving Him thanks when we have done." Yeah...so...I'm just gonna go ahead and admit here that I have probably always thought that was just taking it a tad too seriously. I mean really? "At every moment"??? Well, so obviously, I wasn't as desperate as I am now. Because if the definition of a "moment" is a millisecond, then yeah. That's how often I need Him. One thing's for sure. It's shockingly fun down here. In the lowest place. The more I die to self, the more alive I feel. How crazy is that? And once again, I see the paradoxical God we serve. Once again, He has captured my heart with His mysterious ways. And I have always felt drawn to a good mystery...
